Hemlock may kill you, a giant saguaro could crush your skull and poinsettias will poison your cat. But nothing is as evil as Bermuda grass.
This fast-growing and invasive turf grass should instead be classified as a weed. It’s just as ugly and unwanted.
My experience with Bermuda grass began when I bought a house with a small lawn area infused with the stuff. While at first the Bermuda grass pretended to be user-friendly and green, it soon showed its true colors: brown.
It also exhibited a number of other annoying idiosyncrasies. Like looking like regurgitated hay.
Although Bermuda grass is supposed to die off in the winter and come back in the spring, mine only seemed to get the first half right.
Yes, I watered it. Tended to it. Treated it with loving care. Then I tried to violently rip it out and re-seed with some “as-seen-on-TV” miracle grass.
Nearly two years later, I’m still ripping.
Bermuda grass has the uncanny ability to snake its roots to depths unknown. One chunk I eventually pulled up may have had some molten rock attached from the earth’s core.
Just as the grass snakes to the deep depths of the earth, roping through palm tree roots and choking anything that dares exist beneath your house, its top layer goes wild on the surface.
Most of the lawn may remain dead, especially where you want it to be lush and green. But long tendrils of the stuff will thrive around the edges, pushing through gravel, onto patios and disrupting ornamental stepping stones and lawn borders.
I think one tendril strangled a pack rat.
After several reseedings and weekly patch-ups, my lawn still has large areas of brown and crispy Bermuda grass. When even Sawyer, Mr. Dig-Dug Dog can’t unearth the stuff, you know it’s bad.
Bermuda grass rating (1-10): Negative 1,056
I bet even bufflegrass is more fun than this stuff.