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Odd Pueblo: Snappy or crappy?

A new Odd Pueblo feature asks the audience to rate a trend, topic or sighting of something around town: is it snappy or crappy?

First up is one of my favorites: a stuffed javelina. Snappy or crappy?
I think it’s snappy

Javelina/Ryn Gargulinski
Javelina/Ryn Gargulinski

What do you think?
Please respond with:
a. Snappy
b. Crappy
c. It’s cruel and unusual punishment to stuff animal heads, even if they’re dead, and I won’t even go into someone’s house if they have a bear rug.
d. Moose heads are better because you can hang hats from them.
e. I don’t care because all I do all day is watch TV.

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Ryn: Sex sells

RYN GARGULINSKI

Sex sells.

Illustration Ryn Gargulinski
Illustration Ryn Gargulinski

Or at least the millions who spend billions to plaster it all over thousands of billboards, magazine ads and TV spots hope it sells.

Sex is actually one of the top marketing ploys you’re expected to memorize in media classes. It’s right up there with celebrities, animals, humor and catchy music.

Not many can forget the “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh, what a relief it is” of Alka Seltzer or the series of sung “meows” that helped sell the yellow-boxed Meow Mix cat food.

At least the singing cats weren’t having sex.

Tucson is pretty mild when it comes to sex ads, at least on billboards. The closest I recall was a beer ad that depicted a moonlit beach reflecting off naked legs that promised a wild night if you got drunk on their stuff.

They failed to mention, however, any quickie hookup would most likely lead to an even quicker breakup when both parties sobered up.

Another ad, which I thankfully have not glimpsed in some time, used sex to encourage women to go get breast exams. At least I think that’s what the ad was for.

The bus stop posters showed a topless woman holding two roundish things in front of her chest. The things ranged from oranges to baseballs and even included a halved avocado, with the pits still in so they looked like deformed nipples.

Since the ad was geared towards women, it seemed counterproductive to use a gimmick that would appeal more to men, even if the bountiful items were only avocado.

In addition to beer and breast exams, sex is also used to sell, well, sex.

I don’t watch TV, but my friend fills me in on how every other 30-second spot is selling the latest, greatest miracle drug, device or doohickey that will enhance your sex life.

The ads depict formerly sad couples in bed who are now happy since they found this magical miracle.

One local paper has a whole section devoted to sex ads every week.

Readers are promised everything from phone fantasies to erotic escorts. They are also reminded of club specials like “bikini Thursday” and featured acts with names like “Prinzzess Pet.”

Give me a break.

Ladies night is just another sex ploy used by bars to get more men into the joint. Men will come if women are there.

Colleges, too, may be jumping into the game.

Women are finally outnumbering men on a number of campuses nationwide.

As the gap widens, one Skidmore College professor was quoted in USA Today as saying, “We should be taking about whether it’s reasonable to give preferences to men.”

That means lowering the standards for guys so more can get in.

Colleges may think they are selling this premise under “gender equality,” but it all boils back to sex as a marketing ploy. Women will come if men are there.

After all, who would go to college for silly things like learning. Rather, it’s a place to get drunk and have sex.

Give me another break.

Unless we live in a cloistered cell, we can’t really avoid all the sex ploys, ads, toys and the dozens of sex e-mails that clog our junk folders every day.

But we can choose not to fall prey to their incessant and demanding messages or their blatantly false promises.

Getting a beer, breast exam, college degree or many other products or services will not insure you have sex.

Besides, it would be tough to get passionate or intimate with an avocado in the way, anyway.

Ryn Gargulinski is a poet, artist and TucsonCitizen.com Ryngmaster who wrote this column while wearing a bikini. Listen to a preview of her column at 8:10 a.m. Thursdays on KLPX 96.1 FM. Listen to her Rynski’s Shattered Reality webcast at 4 p.m. Fridays at www.party934.com. Her column appears every Friday on Rynski’s Blogski. E-mail rynski@tucsoncitizen.com

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Save the world: join the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement

Really want to save the world?

Stop breeding.

Illustration Ryn Gargulinski
Illustration Ryn Gargulinski

That’s the strategy behind a new trend on the scene called The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement.

Rules are easy:
Don’t have kids.

If you already have a bustling house filled with tots, it’s OK. You can still join the movement by passing on the wealth of ideas and information to your offspring.

One caveat is to make sure all the extinction is natural and voluntary. That means don’t go killing off your neighbors or yourself. Just don’t add to the population going forward.

Want to learn more? Check out The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement
The motto is: “Where we live long and die out.”

Have a nice day.

Do you think the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement is a good idea?
Will you and your children join in?

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Sex offender nabbed after sending naked photos to 14-year-old girl

One 14-year-old girl who thought she was simply texting a 14-year-old boy ended up being sent photos of naked body parts of a 48-year-old man.

When the girl’s mom saw the pictures of the private parts and other photos on her daughter’s phone, she went to police, Sgt. Fabian Pacheco said in a news release.

Terry Martin
Terry Martin/TPD photo

Tucson police officers were able to identify Terry W. Martin from the photos he sent the girl and arrested him.

Martin, who just so happens to be a level three sex offender, was booked into Pima County Jail on one felony count of furnishing harmful items to minors, Pacheco said.

Flashers, especially those who flash over the phone to 14-year-olds, have always been a sick lot.

The worst I ran into was in a supermarket parking lot back in Brooklyn. The guy was sitting in his car beeping his horn so folks would look over and notice he was exposing himself.

Don’t these guys have anything better to do?

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Arizona man busted for pretending to be a Marine

We’ve all know folks who exaggerate a bit, perhaps say they run a business when all they really do is run the business’s trash out the Dumpster.

But one Arizona guy went above and beyond simple exaggeration and claimed to be a highly decorated U.S. Marine.

John William Rodriguez, 31, didn’t save his faux boasting for dates or personal chats, either, but made it widely known to the masses.

This Scottsdale guy was even introduced at large functions as a decorated veteran.

That’s also how he got busted.

An authentic former Marine thought Rodriguez’s uniform looked a little less than authentic. He also found it odd that a 31-year-old would be donning the Navy Cross.

Once the Arizona Department of Public Safety started investigating they learned Rodriguez had been introduced as a decorated veteran at several functions. He also listed serving in the military on his driver’s license.

Arizona Department of Public Safety arrests suspected military impersonator, news release

John William Rodriquez, 31, of Scottsdale was booked into the Maricopa County Jail on 13 felony fraud schemes stemming from his impersonation of a highly decorated Marine. The arrest culminates a lengthy investigation which uncovered evidence that Rodriquez had been portraying himself as a U.S. Marine Gunnery Sergeant or Warrant Officer for at least a year.

Rodriquez faces possible federal charges in addition to his arrest for ARS Title 13 Felony Fraud Schemes.

Wow. That’s some heavy charges for pretending to be a Marine. Guess no one gets away with nabbing a military title if they haven’t been through boot camp.

Poor guy. I say “poor” because you have to be suffering from very low self-esteem to blow yourself up into a decorated veteran.

Not sure what the penalty will be, but maybe he should really be sent to boot camp. Either that, or shine the shoes of all the authentic decorated veterans out there.

Did you ever get busted pretending to be someone or something you are not?
Did it result in felony fraud charges?

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