Easter season would not be complete without Peeps, the sickly sweet marshmallow treats that have been rotting kids’ teeth for more than 50 years.
Although the sugary snacks have several claims to fame – such as their astounding array of colors that now include bright blue and shapes that go way beyond Easter chicks – their main claim to fame is their shelf life.
Peeps supposedly stay fresh, sweet and edible for an incredible two years. That is, of course, if you keep them wrapped in their plastic, far from greedy little fingers – and out of the Arizona sun.
We wanted to test Peeps longevity through a Tucson summer so we stuck them on a stick in a tree last March, right before Easter 2010.
You’ll be amazed and perhaps even surprised at what we found.
First off, Peeps do not melt in the Arizona sun. They instead become hard and dense, not unlike those sugar roses on wedding cakes you’re not supposed to eat but still try to every time.
Although we did not take a bite of the hardened Peeps, and placed them high enough in the tree to avoid the dogs’ gaping maws, we did poke them repeatedly with a stick. Even the thorns of a mesquite branch could not penetrate the hardened marshmallow rocks.
Despite not melting in the sun, the harmful ultraviolet rays did, however, do a number on their color. By early April, the Peeps’ bright blue was already becoming a somber cornflower color.
From “His” and “Hers” towel sets to “His” and “Hers” china cups that cost too much and no one uses, there is no dearth of wedding gifts for the bride and groom.
The happy groom and groom same-sex wedding Lucky Voodoo Dolls/Art and photo Ryn Gargulinski
But when it comes to same-sex marriages, finding suitable presents for the groom and groom or the bride and bride can be a bit of a challenge.
You can kick off 2011 in a, shall we say, interesting way with a couple of calenders sure to inspire plenty of conversation.
If roadkill and nudie Barbie calendars don't work, try the Sawyer Says calendar at www.cafepress.com/ryndustries
One features 12 gloriously gruesome shots of roadkill. Another shows off Barbie – probably more of Barbie than you want to see, since she appears both solo and in some intimate lesbian poses.
Now that the turkey’s down the hatch with the Stove Top stuffing and green bean casserole, it’s time to sit back, relax and recall the real reason for Thanksgiving.
McDonald's and Wal-Mart - combined! - make for some heavy gratitude/Thinkstock
Gratitude.
We can start by remembering there will be no more green bean casserole for at least another year.
We can continue by counting other myriad blessings America continues to offer.
Sure, our nation has been in tumult these past several years, but there is still ample reason to cheer. After all, we’re not being indefinitely locked up in a Turkish prison for smuggling antiquities we thought were cheap souvenirs.
And we’re not buried up to our waist being stoned to death somewhere in Iran.
We’re in America, dang it, and there is so much for which to be thankful. We’ll keep it brief with a total of six kooky reasons, including the green bean thing, to be glad we’re here in America.
Our Wal-Marts sometimes house a McDonald’s. This fine coupling exists right here in Tucson with the Wal-Mart-McDonald’s combination at 7150 E. Speedway Blvd. The two entities nestle like lovebirds in a single building, waiting for us to buy cheap furniture and fatty fries in one fell swoop.
Can’t make a large percentage of large Americans much happier than that.
Freedom of speech is aloud and well. From nasty anonymous Internet comments to angry slurs and signs, Americans are free to speak their minds. Well, most of the time.
Just don’t tick off the President. Velma Hart, a chief financial officer for the Maryland veterans’ organization AM Vets, found that out when she told Mr. President she was fed up with the state of the nation with him at the helm.
“Quite frankly, I’m exhausted,” she told President Barack Obama at a September town hall meeting that was broadcast on CNBC. “Exhausted of defending you, defending your administration, defending the man for change I voted for, and deeply disappointed with where we are right now.”
Guess what? She got fired.
Of course, her employer blames budgetary reasons, but what a coincidence.
Creative money earning is another benefit in this Land of Opportunity. Once we speak out, like Hart, and get fired, we can always turn to creative outlets to rake in some cash. We can babysit poodles, do a McDonald’s run for rich folks, sell creepy artwork or, if we’re really in a money crunch, we can always sue someone.
Frivolous lawsuitscontinue to pile up like dirty dishes. Americans thoroughly enjoy the practice of suing the pants off each other. Here in the Land of the Freely suing, nothing is sacred.
One man sued Providence Hospital in 2002 for $2 million, saying the hospital was negligent because he was able to get away with raping one of its patients.
A woman sued Universal Studios in 2000 for $15,000, saying she suffered mental anguish, emotional distress and extreme fear after paying a visit to its Halloween Horror Nights haunted house.
And then there’s the McDonald’s manager, although he was in Brazil, not America, who sued the Illinois-based restaurant chain for making him fat over his 12 years of service there. He was awarded $17,500.
No word on if he was also suing Wal-Mart for perhaps being too heavy for its cheap furniture after habitually feasting at his job.
At least President Obama is at the helm, which gives us one more reason to be grateful. Even though the country has not magically turned around and even though people like Hart get fired for speaking their minds about the state of the nation, Obama is still a blessing. At least he’s not George W. Bush.
Happy holidays.
[tnipoll]
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Ryn Gargulinski is a poet, artist, performer and TucsonCitizen.com Ryngmaster who is most grateful for her dogs, family and Beezel, not necessarily in that order. Her column appears every Friday on Rynski’s Blogski. Her art, writing and more is at RynRules.com and Rynski.Etsy.com. E-mail rynski@tucsoncitizen.com.
P.S. Ryn is also grateful to have Friday and Monday off and will return Tuesday.
What do you think?
Do you ever make a gratitude list? What’s on it?
What’s your favorite thing about being an American?
People do the weirdest things – but don’t take it from us. Take it from the brothers who stole a hissing cockroach.
The cockroach pictures were too gross so we get a fish instead/Illustration Ryn Gargulinski
Or take it from Rhode Island Hospital, which recently reported 305 cases of patients eating strange objects – from pen parts to razor blades with toothbrushes in between.
Those stories and more are up this week on Rynski’s Shattered Reality radio show on Party934.com and FM 94.9 in Hudson Valley, N.Y.
Next show is Wednesday, Nov. 24 (today!) and every Wednesday online at Party934.com. Showtime is 1 p.m. in Arizona, 3 p.m. EST.
Party 934 is a radio alternative for listeners sick of stations that play one song followed by 500 commercials.
Songs that mention DREAMS are this weeks theme, along with our weekly polka fix and a goofy array of offbeat stories.
Thanks! to all who keep the song requests coming.
What: Rynski’s Shattered Reality Internet radio show When: Every Wednesday for one hour Time: 1 p.m. in Arizona, 3 p.m. EST Where: www.party934.com and FM 94.9 in Hudson Valley
Seems next week theme will still be dreams – just downloaded all the songs and WOW, we have quite a solid lineup.
