Lawlessness has long ruled the Wild West – and continues to do so.
Just ask the desert vigilantes. Well, you may not want to get close enough to ask them anything, as these types seem prone to shoot first and answer questions later.
You can instead simply believe a recent news release form the Arizona Highway Patrol Association: “Individuals are taking it upon themselves to go to rural parts of Arizona looking to catch people that they consider to be crossing the border illegally.”
Desert vigilantes are usually heavily armed and often impersonating officers of the law.
AHPA is kind enough to give vigilantes some benefit of the doubt, but it also warns they will not be tolerated:
“We believe these individuals that are ‘searching’ for undocumented persons feel they are assisting law enforcement,” the release quotes Sgt. Jimmy Chavez, president of the AHPA. “However, it creates scenarios that endanger themselves and our officers. Law enforcement officers are trained to handle these situations, and we want the public to be safe.”
Perhaps desert vigilantes continue to thrive since becoming one would be quite facile, maybe even completed in as few as five easy steps.
How to become a desert vigilante:
Hit yourself in the head with a brick. While getting illegals out of the desert – and the nation – is a fine goal, taking the law into your own hands to achieve this goal requires some missing brain cells. Bash. Bleed. Repeat.
Gather your supplies. A vigilante is useless without the proper equipment. This includes a big gun, lots of ammo for that gun, a flashlight, some water and a few snacks to tide you over while you’re crouching in the desert. Vigilantes who dig extra comfort may want to invest in a portable stool or a Lava Buns Heated Seat Cushion for those chilled desert nights.
Pick out your outfit. Desert-hued camouflage works for the stealthy. If you’re inclined to take your vigilantism to the next level and impersonate an officer of the law, you can always dress in a makeshift police or deputy uniform.
Amass a group of likeminded folks. Don’t forget the old adage about strength – and stupidity – in numbers. A solo vigilante is no fun when you can bring along a whole gaggle of your pals. This may also help with your legal defense once you’re arrested. Then you can always say, “He made me do it.”
Rile each other up – and go. Get the group’s angry juices flowing so y’all are ready to go out and shoot up the world. Ideal ways to do this include reviewing your pay stubs or taxes owed, getting drunk and starting fights with each other, or trying to drive a mile in fewer than 30 minutes in Tucson traffic.
DISCLAIMER: In no way do I promote or support vigilantism of any sort and this article is written in jest. Anyone who follows these steps is doing so at his own risk of arrest, prosecution, death and/or looking like an idiot.
What do you think?
Have you ever encountered a desert vigilante?
Have you ever considered becoming one?
Are they snappy or crappy?