Ryn Gargulinski

Creativity on Fire

george w bush

6 kooky reasons to be a glad American this Thanksgiving and holiday season

Now that the turkey’s down the hatch with the Stove Top stuffing and green bean casserole, it’s time to sit back, relax and recall the real reason for Thanksgiving.

McDonald's and Wal-Mart - combined! - make for some heavy gratitude/Thinkstock

Gratitude.

We can start by remembering there will be no more green bean casserole for at least another year.

We can continue by counting other myriad blessings America continues to offer.

Sure, our nation has been in tumult these past several years, but there is still ample reason to cheer. After all, we’re not being indefinitely locked up in a Turkish prison for smuggling antiquities we thought were cheap souvenirs.

And we’re not buried up to our waist being stoned to death somewhere in Iran.

We’re in America, dang it, and there is so much for which to be thankful. We’ll keep it brief with a total of six kooky reasons, including the green bean thing, to be glad we’re here in America.

Our Wal-Marts sometimes house a McDonald’s. This fine coupling exists right here in Tucson with the Wal-Mart-McDonald’s combination at 7150 E. Speedway Blvd. The two entities nestle like lovebirds in a single building, waiting for us to buy cheap furniture and fatty fries in one fell swoop.

Can’t make a large percentage of large Americans much happier than that.

Freedom of speech is aloud and well. From nasty anonymous Internet comments to angry slurs and signs, Americans are free to speak their minds. Well, most of the time.

Just don’t tick off the President. Velma Hart, a chief financial officer for the Maryland veterans’ organization AM Vets, found that out when she told Mr. President she was fed up with the state of the nation with him at the helm.

“Quite frankly, I’m exhausted,” she told President Barack Obama at a September town hall meeting that was broadcast on CNBC. “Exhausted of defending you, defending your administration, defending the man for change I voted for, and deeply disappointed with where we are right now.”

Guess what? She got fired.

Of course, her employer blames budgetary reasons, but what a coincidence.

Creative money earning is another benefit in this Land of Opportunity. Once we speak out, like Hart, and get fired, we can always turn to creative outlets to rake in some cash. We can babysit poodles, do a McDonald’s run for rich folks, sell creepy artwork or, if we’re really in a money crunch, we can always sue someone.

Frivolous lawsuits continue to pile up like dirty dishes. Americans thoroughly enjoy the practice of suing the pants off each other. Here in the Land of the Freely suing, nothing is sacred.

One man sued Providence Hospital in 2002 for $2 million, saying the hospital was negligent because he was able to get away with raping one of its patients.

A woman sued Universal Studios in 2000 for $15,000, saying she suffered mental anguish, emotional distress and extreme fear after paying a visit to its Halloween Horror Nights haunted house.

And then there’s the McDonald’s manager, although he was in Brazil, not America, who sued the Illinois-based restaurant chain for making him fat over his 12 years of service there. He was awarded $17,500.

No word on if he was also suing Wal-Mart for perhaps being too heavy for its cheap furniture after habitually feasting at his job.

At least President Obama is at the helm, which gives us one more reason to be grateful. Even though the country has not magically turned around and even though people like Hart get fired for speaking their minds about the state of the nation, Obama is still a blessing. At least he’s not George W. Bush.

Happy holidays.

[tnipoll]

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Ryn Gargulinski is a poet, artist, performer and TucsonCitizen.com Ryngmaster who is most grateful for her dogs, family and Beezel, not necessarily in that order. Her column appears every Friday on Rynski’s Blogski. Her art, writing and more is at RynRules.com and Rynski.Etsy.com. E-mail rynski@tucsoncitizen.com.

P.S. Ryn is also grateful to have Friday and Monday off and will return Tuesday.

What do you think?

Do you ever make a gratitude list? What’s on it?

What’s your favorite thing about being an American?

What’s your least favorite?

Columbus Day special: American myths debunked, from George W. to George W. Bush

Christopher Columbus may have sailed the ocean blue, since the water in the late 1400s was still clear from major oil spills, but a few other supposed facts about this guy’s journey – and American history – are wholly incorrect.

George Washington's teeth were not wood - or windup plastic/Thinkstock

Columbus did not, as we have all heard, technically discover America, since people were already inhabiting the place. But this is just one historical myth that clearly needs some clearing up.

George Washington’s false teeth were NOT made of wood. His fake choppers were instead constructed of elephant and hippo tusks along with some cow teeth thrown in. They also had hooks to somehow attach them in his mouth.

This, too, may be the real reason he could not tell a lie, as the contraption in his mouth was too painful to talk much at all.

John F. Kennedy did NOT cause the men’s hat market to crash just because he didn’t wear one at his 1961 inauguration. Many have been losing sleep over this one since 1962.

Hat sales declined because they are hot, itchy and uncomfortable. They are also part of the chivalry movement that died with World War II, according to a professor at Brooklyn College who yelled at students who wore baseball caps to class.

Pennies/File photo Ryn Gargulinski

Abraham Lincoln’s new line of pennies was NEVER planned with the phrase “In God We Trust” omitted. The rumor started when new coin designs were issued, all of which honored Lincoln’s life. One had a cute little picture of a log cabin, another showed Lincoln on a log, and so on.

Some folks who saw the new designs were appalled to find “In God We Trust” did not appear on any of them and the rumor mill began to churn. The only problem with the rumor’s veracity was that the new designs were only to grace the back of the coins and “In God We Trust” appears on the untouched front of the coins. Penny for your silliness?

Lizzie Borden did NOT administer 40 whacks to her mother, nor did she chop down her dad with 41. First off, the woman killed was not Lizzie’s mother but rather her step-mother. Secondly, the dead woman was struck with “no less than seven wounds,” said an early account in The Fall River Herald, and certainly nowhere near 40.

Since Lizzie was eventually acquitted, the playground rhyme needs to further be amended to include the word “allegedly.”

George W. Bush did NOT wave at Stevie Wonder. This erroneous tidbit came from a 2002 “Washington Post” story that said Bush was attending the concert and excitedly waved at Stevie at his keyboard – and Stevie did not wave back.

Bush did make a hand gesture while Mr. Wonder was settling at his keyboard, but it was not an excited wave. It was more a casual palm raise. It was also not intended for Wonder but rather for event emcee Kelsey Grammer. No word on if Grammer waved back, either.

Sources: Snopes.com, The Fall River Herald, children’s book in dentist’s waiting room entitled “Open Wide: Tooth School Inside”

NOTE: Ryn has Columbus Day off but needed to clear up these myths before she could fully enjoy it.

[tnipoll]



What other historical myths need clarification?