The last time I was part of a trend I had to change my glasses. Thick, black horn-rims had forever been my frames of choice because they were so not-in-style. Then in the mid-90s Drew Carey popped into popularity – right along with those thick black glasses. I immediately switched to tortoise shell.
But this time I’m apparently part of a trend that takes a bit more than changing eyeglass frames to get through. It’s a trend called “grey divorce,” and it refers to the breakup of long-term relationships of people age 50 and up. The “grey” designation comes from the hair color (although I technically got my first grey hair at age 30).
In any event, these are relationships where the partners expected to grow old together – but they instead proceeded to grow apart. Mine was a 15-year relationship that busted up in mid-May. I’ve heard of others who have been married 20, 25 – as long as 36 years! – who have decided to make the split.
Ouch. It is not an easy decision. But it’s one that feels like it must be made once the relationship has become intolerable on some level. The people who first got together are not the same people decades later.
Growth is natural. But if the two are growing in different directions, or one is growing and the other stays stagnant, the chasm may eventually become too painful to endure.
Once the pain of staying in the relationship reaches a point where it outweighs the fear of breaking it off, the breaking it off begins. So does the excitement of freedom. So does the anguish. So does the surreal feeling of being that lost astronaut floating off in space with no lifeline or planet in sight.
So does the grief. Although we’re talking grey divorces here, the stages of grief apply to any type of loss. Being aware of five common stages can make it a bit easier to get through because we at least understand what’s happening. The stages can vary in intensity, order and number. They can go away and come back ad nauseum.
They can also begin when you know in your heart the relationship is over but haven’t yet made the official split. The phase of denial. I had lived there for years, blithely trying to ignore the widening abyss.
I was diving into energy healing, spiritual practices, sunshine, beach time and dancing outside with the dogs. He was in the bedroom with the door shut streaming “Magnum, P.I.” on Roku.
Anger is another phase, one that likes to blame the other person entirely for the relationship’s demise. The truth is, all relationships are a two-way street and both parties have some responsibility in their success or failure.
Bargaining is the phase where we start making deals with God, the other person or ourselves to make everything OK. Maybe you promise to change your behavior. Change your focus. Change your socks. Whatever it is, it is an ill-fated attempt to control.
Control a situation that is out of our control. Even if we can change ourselves, we cannot change other people. Here’s where the reality of the situation can hit like a chunk of seawall cement. The relationship as we had wished it to be simply does not exist.
Depression slinks in. This phase can leave us screaming, crying and writhing in any given order at any given moment. Sometimes even loud enough to scare the dogs.
The final phase is acceptance. It’s when we finally surrender to what is. The loss is real. And it can really hurt. But once we stop resisting, blaming, bargaining and holding tight to ongoing suffering, we can begin the healing. We can begin the rebuilding of something fresh and gorgeous. We can figuratively – or even literally! – grab a new pair of glasses to see the world in a whole new light.
This column originally appeared in the Cape Coral Sun.
