As more and more Big Macs go down the hatch, it seems more and more folks are crying that fat people have become the new outcasts.
We agree – to an extent. But we also say they haven’t seen anything yet.
If the husky were truly to be the new pariahs, we would have to treat them the same way people treat smokers.
For starters, we’d have to pick out the food that makes them fat and tax the heck out of it.
Unlike all forms of smoking, we simply can’t ban all forms of eating from the Earth. But we can target what we’ll call fatty foods.
This means ice cream, cookies, caramel, candies, chocolate and the like will now cost at least triple the amount it used to. The new tax will also apply to anything that people seem to enjoy eating or anything with the word “Super” in its name.
Anyone care for a $22 Twinkie?
Next is controlling where people can eat these fatty foods. The foodstuff will be prohibited in both indoor and outdoor sports arenas, bars, bowling alleys, the workplace, any government owned facility, in certain areas of restaurants and on select campuses.
No more honey coated peanuts on the airplane. No more custard éclairs on the bus.
Folks who still choose to poison their bodies with such monstrosities will be forced to stand at least 20 feet from any public building doorway and cower outside in the rain.
People who tip the scales above their recommended body weight will also have a hefty price to pay when it comes to health insurance. No more free meal.
An additional $200 will be added to the annual insurance fees for every pound people are above their target weight.
This means if a woman whose average body weight should fall around 130 actually weighs in at 170, she now has an $800 surcharge added on to her regular annual insurance rates.
Health insurance surcharges for smokers require them to cough up an annual $700 or more.
Once all the technicalities are handled and new “No Fat” laws in place, the public ostracism can begin.
Complete strangers will walk by anyone who carries any extra pounds and make loud oinking noises. Others will glare and wave their hands in front of their faces or abruptly blurt, “Oh, yuck! You smell like food.”
Those thoughtful, do-gooder parents will train their kids to run up to fat people eating fatty foods in a pubic park and say, “Why do you eat that? My mom said it will kill you.”
Help wanted ads will note, “Non-fat people preferred,” while hotels and rental properties will insist upon it.
Once the transformation is complete, and the pleasantly plump truly become the new outcasts, we can duly move on to the next set on our quest to right all societal wrongs.
Ryn Gargulinski is a poet, artist, performer and TucsonCitizen.com Ryngmaster who likes a good slice of Junior’s cheesecake now and again, but wouldn’t pay a higher tax to get it Her column appears every Friday on Rynski’s Blogski. Her art, writing and more is at RynRules.com and Rynski.Etsy.com. E-mail email@example.com.
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