RYN GARGULINSKI

Sex sells.

Illustration Ryn Gargulinski

Or at least the millions who spend billions to plaster it all over thousands of billboards, magazine ads and TV spots hope it sells.

Sex is actually one of the top marketing ploys you’re expected to memorize in media classes. It’s right up there with celebrities, animals, humor and catchy music.

Not many can forget the “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh, what a relief it is” of Alka Seltzer or the series of sung “meows” that helped sell the yellow-boxed Meow Mix cat food.

At least the singing cats weren’t having sex.

Tucson is pretty mild when it comes to sex ads, at least on billboards. The closest I recall was a beer ad that depicted a moonlit beach reflecting off naked legs that promised a wild night if you got drunk on their stuff.

They failed to mention, however, any quickie hookup would most likely lead to an even quicker breakup when both parties sobered up.

Another ad, which I thankfully have not glimpsed in some time, used sex to encourage women to go get breast exams. At least I think that’s what the ad was for.

The bus stop posters showed a topless woman holding two roundish things in front of her chest. The things ranged from oranges to baseballs and even included a halved avocado, with the pits still in so they looked like deformed nipples.

Since the ad was geared towards women, it seemed counterproductive to use a gimmick that would appeal more to men, even if the bountiful items were only avocado.

In addition to beer and breast exams, sex is also used to sell, well, sex.

I don’t watch TV, but my friend fills me in on how every other 30-second spot is selling the latest, greatest miracle drug, device or doohickey that will enhance your sex life.

The ads depict formerly sad couples in bed who are now happy since they found this magical miracle.

One local paper has a whole section devoted to sex ads every week.

Readers are promised everything from phone fantasies to erotic escorts. They are also reminded of club specials like “bikini Thursday” and featured acts with names like “Prinzzess Pet.”

Give me a break.

Ladies night is just another sex ploy used by bars to get more men into the joint. Men will come if women are there.

Colleges, too, may be jumping into the game.

Women are finally outnumbering men on a number of campuses nationwide.

As the gap widens, one Skidmore College professor was quoted in USA Today as saying, “We should be taking about whether it’s reasonable to give preferences to men.”

That means lowering the standards for guys so more can get in.

Colleges may think they are selling this premise under “gender equality,” but it all boils back to sex as a marketing ploy. Women will come if men are there.

After all, who would go to college for silly things like learning. Rather, it’s a place to get drunk and have sex.

Give me another break.

Unless we live in a cloistered cell, we can’t really avoid all the sex ploys, ads, toys and the dozens of sex e-mails that clog our junk folders every day.

But we can choose not to fall prey to their incessant and demanding messages or their blatantly false promises.

Getting a beer, breast exam, college degree or many other products or services will not insure you have sex.

Besides, it would be tough to get passionate or intimate with an avocado in the way, anyway.

Ryn Gargulinski is a poet, artist and TucsonCitizen.com Ryngmaster who wrote this column while wearing a bikini. Listen to a preview of her column at 8:10 a.m. Thursdays on KLPX 96.1 FM. Listen to her Rynski’s Shattered Reality webcast at 4 p.m. Fridays at www.party934.com. Her column appears every Friday on Rynski’s Blogski. E-mail rynski@tucsoncitizen.com